Not gonna lie, today was hard for me. I felt like an animal in the wild that had lost a cub/pup/whatever offspring you want to input here. Humans are too animals. We have natural instincts. At a mother’s day lunch today with my husband’s family, I felt as if part of me was missing. It has been difficult, to say the least, the past 18 days. I feel like there isn’t enough mom and wife to go around. L
My heart hurts no matter where I am. If I am at the hospital I miss home and vice versa. With no signs of Garrett coming home anytime soon, I know the reality is I will have to deal with this for some time. I am very tired. I wake up in the middle of the night sweaty every night – not sure if it is hormones or stress or, most likely, both.
I know I can handle this. I have no choice. I just think, no matter how strong one may be, we are only human. I cannot help but feel a little jipped this mother’s day. I saw many families with babies today. I wanted mine there also. I knew he was lying alone in his room hooked up to a million machines and drugs. Not a happy thought for any mother. So I drove myself to the hospital to sit with (and eventually hold) my baby. I sit alone in his room tonight as I have done on so many others. I wonder what the future will hold for him. I hope he grows up to have an amazing life. That will make all of this worth while.
JANA
ReplyDeleteMY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU. I CANT IMAGINE YOUR STRESS AND HEATBREAK. I KNOW YOU FEEL HELPLESS NOW BUT KEEP YOUR FAITH AND ACCEPT YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER AND YOU DO ALL YOU CAN FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND FAMILY. WE LOVE YOU AND PRAY FOR YOU AND GARRETT DAILY. I I CAN HELP IN ANYWAY I AM JUST A PHONE CALL AWAY. LOVE ALWAYS SCOTT AND DONNA
I thought about you more than usual today. I knew it would be hard for you. Hang in there. I think you are doing a fantastic job juggling your responsibilities :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I know how hard it is trying to cope and doing your best to handle "normal" activities. I'm sure today was one of the hardest for you. I'm glad you were able to hold him today and I can't wait for the day we hear that you are taking him home!!
ReplyDeleteYou were on my mind all day and I said prayers for you throughout the day. I know you feel like you are getting pulled in one hundred different directions, and yeah, you kinda are. But when you are with Grant, he's getting 100%. When you are with Garrett, he's getting 100%. Paul...well, Paul's probably getting leftovers ;) You can't be everything to everyone at every minute. I know you want to be, but it just isn't possible. Just make sure that the time you are with someone is quality time. I know you are doing your best. Everything you are doing is done with love. And that's all you can do. Stay strong and remember I am here if you need me. I am in awe of you, dear friend...I don't think I could handle what you are handling with the grace and strength that you are.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog last night, backspaced all my responses, went to sleep, and still have no great words of wisdom. Sometimes, life can be so difficult, you can only focus on doing your best each day. Janna, not only are you doing an amazing job but you can tell from your blog and assistance, you are surrounded by love that supports the special person you are. Hopefully, the strength his parents bring, will help Garrett on the path to a healthy life. Much Love, Aunt Nancy
ReplyDeleteAunt Linda told me what you had written on your blog. I didn't respond until this afternoon. I kept trying to come up with the words that would make it all better...as that is what a mother does.
ReplyDeleteI awoke this morning feeling down...I could not and can not fix this.
Although Ed helped make Mother's Day special, I spent the day without my children or grandchildren:( I pray next Mother's Day we are all together, and I am the only unhealthy one in attendance!
Let today be a better day.
Love you.
I'd like to bring you dinner one night. How can we make that happen?
ReplyDeleteAnne